Are you constantly arranging the dates? Keeping their schedule in mind? Saving space on your calendar just for them? Girl, you might be doing all the work in your relationship—and it's exhausting you! I know because I've been there, and today we're tackling how to break this draining cycle for good. 💕

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Why High-Achieving Women Take On All the Relationship Work

If you're climbing the corporate ladder, building your business empire, or collecting letters after your name, listen up—this pattern of overworking in relationships isn't random. It's directly connected to who you are as a high achiever! 🚀

The truth is, you know how to get things done. You're used to setting your eyes on the prize and putting in the steps to achieve it. This approach works beautifully in your career, but in relationships? It can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, and wondering, "Why am I the only one steering this ship?"

I totally get this because I've been there. For years, I believed that if I didn't keep making the relationship move forward, they'd lose interest or find someone else. What was really happening? I was burning myself out trying to control something that should be a balanced, two-way street. 🙈

The Exhaustion of Being the Relationship CEO

When you're in charge of planning every date, initiating every conversation, and keeping the emotional temperature just right, it's no wonder you're feeling drained! This is what I call being the "Relationship CEO"—and it's a position you never actually applied for. 😮‍💨

The reality is, this excessive effort often comes from a deep-seated fear. For me, I truly believed that if I did anything less than excellence, the relationship wasn't worth it. Perhaps you're thinking, "If I don't step up, they'll drift away" or "It's up to me to keep this connection alive."

But ask yourself: Are you really enjoying the relationship when you're constantly:

• Feeling exhausted from emotional labor
• Resenting your partner for not meeting you halfway
• Wondering why they can't figure out what you're doing next

This isn't the foundation of a secure, balanced relationship—this is a one-woman show that's bound to lead to burnout. And you deserve so much better than that, gorgeous! 👑

Why "Healthy" Feels Weird (And That's Actually Good)

Here's a mind-blowing perspective that changed everything for me: when you've been overworking in relationships for years, normal and healthy relationship dynamics will feel strange at first.

Let me explain with a personal example. I recently started working with a nutrition coach on a metabolic reset. After years of undereating and restriction, eating a proper amount of food felt uncomfortable and weird—even though it was actually the healthy approach my body needed! 🥑

The same applies to relationships. If you're used to doing all the work, it will feel bizarre when:

• You lean back and they step forward
• They initiate plans without prompting
• The relationship progresses naturally without your constant pushing

This discomfort isn't a sign that something's wrong—it's evidence that you're breaking an unhealthy pattern! As I tell my clients, "If you're not used to something, it's going to feel strange." But strange is exactly what we're aiming for if your normal has been relationship overwork.

The Connection Between Overachieving and Overgiving

High-achieving women are often taught to push, control, and manage their way to success. We're praised for our ability to handle everything and make it look easy. But in relationships, this same approach can be catastrophic. 💔

I see this in my clients all the time—the same drive that helped them build successful careers becomes the very thing undermining their love lives. Instead of allowing love to unfold naturally, they're trying to "achieve" the relationship milestones through sheer force of will.

Think about it: Would you try to force a flower to bloom by pulling open its petals? Of course not! So why are you trying to force your relationship to develop through excessive effort?

The right relationship will grow when you relax and allow, not when you push and control. This was a revolutionary concept for me, and it might feel completely counterintuitive to your achiever brain—but trust me on this one! ✨

How to Break the Cycle of Relationship Overwork

Breaking this pattern requires a fundamental shift in how you show up in relationships. It's about healing the underlying anxious attachment that drives you to overfunction in the first place.

First, recognize that your tendency to overwork comes from excess—you're actually doing too much, not too little. This excess stems from not feeling secure enough to trust the natural flow of connection.

Here's what helped me break free:

• Learn to hold yourself instead of expecting the relationship to hold you. This is a skill set that takes practice but transforms everything.
• Recognize when your "fixer" mode activates and pause before jumping into action.
• Allow space for your partner to step up rather than immediately filling the gap.
• Practice tolerating the discomfort of not being in control (this is huge for high achievers!)
• Question your assumptions about what would happen if you did less

When I started practicing these shifts with my partner Craig, I was blown away by how he stepped up in ways I never imagined possible. He didn't just meet me halfway—he started blowing my mind with how he showed up in our relationship! 🤩

What Secure Relationships Actually Look Like

A secure relationship isn't about scorekeeping or perfectly equal effort at all times. It's about a natural ebb and flow where both partners are invested in nurturing the connection.

In my relationship now, we've "flipped the script"—I've learned to relax and Craig consistently shows up in ways that still surprise me. This didn't happen overnight, but it happened because I created space for it to exist.

Secure relationships typically include:

• Both partners initiating contact, dates, and conversations
• A sense of ease rather than constant striving
• Feeling chosen and prioritized without having to demand it
• The freedom to be imperfect without fear of abandonment
• Trust that temporary distance or conflict won't destroy the connection

Does this sound impossibly far from your current reality? I promise it's not. The transformation starts when you're willing to examine and shift your own patterns rather than trying to change your partner. 💫

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Practice "leaning back" in small ways by waiting before texting back immediately or letting them initiate the next date.
2. Notice when you're operating from anxiety rather than genuine desire to connect—your body will tell you through tension, racing thoughts, or that "clingy" feeling.
3. Invest in learning how to "hold yourself" through uncomfortable emotions rather than seeking immediate reassurance.
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang to connect with other high-achieving women who are learning this delicate dance too.

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:05] Introduction to feeling like you're doing all the work in a relationship
• [0:53] How high achievers bring their work ethic into relationships (to their detriment)
• [3:30] Clare's personal story of relationship overwork and transformation
• [6:10] The parallel between healthy eating habits and healthy relationship dynamics
• [10:28] Why doing all the work leads to exhaustion and resentment
• [14:05] How to recognize if you're putting in excessive effort in your relationship
• [17:46] Steps to break the cycle and create space for balanced connection

Related Posts You'll Love:

• Why You Get Anxious in Relationships (& How to Heal Anxious Attachment)
• 3 Signs They Still Love You (It's Just Your Abandonment Wound)
• Self Trust: The Antidote to Relationship Anxiety
• Why You're Pushing Good Relationships Away

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫